We Eat What We Like

All right, so while I was home a couple of weeks ago, my friend Annie introduced me to something I have never had before: Star Crunch.

Having been a diabetic child in the 90s, I am relatively unfamiliar with the strange and mysterious world of Little Debbie. I've had the occasional snack from this Debbie person, but nothing all that memorable, I suppose. Until Star Crunch.

So Annie gives me this Star Crunch cookie (?) thing in her car one evening, and I eat it. It is delicious. I decide that when I go back to my house in Florida, I'm going to get some of this stuff for my cabinet. And I do. I enjoy 3 or 4 of these odd chocolate rice crispy cookie things, and then something dawns on me. The name "Star Crunch" makes absolutely no sense. It even seems as though the makers have realized too that the name is nonsense; under "Star Crunch" they have added "Cosmic Snacks!"

I'm sorry, but calling something "cosmic" does not automatically give you the right to name it after a part of the solar system and expect no questions. The food has nothing to do with stars. Its texture does not resemble the stars, its color (brown) is far from starlike, Little Debbie herself is hardly star quality in the figurative sense... Shoot, it's not even shaped like a star. In fact, the only thing on the packaging that has anything to do with stars is the star-shaped "A" in the word "Star." What the hell? Come now, wee Deborah, show me the truth!

This whole ordeal reminds me of Apple Jacks. Don't get me wrong; I love Apple Jacks. Probably my 3rd favorite cereal after Count Chocula and Honey Bunches of Oats with Strawberries. But that's beside the point. I would totally be the dad in those commercials. You know, the downer one who complains about Apple Jacks being poorly named. The one who says, "How can you eat that? They don't taste like apple!" when I think the real concern should be "what in the name of all that is holy is a Jack, and why am I eating it?" But of course the children can just say "Shut up, Dad! We eat what we like!"

It took a long time, but I came to live with that. It might be good enough for Apple Jacks, but not for Star Crunch. Not yet.